Rethinking Empty Nesting

The end of another chapter in my life is on the horizon. Come September I will not have any of my 3 kids living at home fulltime. The oldest is done with school, the middle will be in college, and the youngest is at boarding school. Geoff and I are on the cusp of a new stage of life. A stage where we would have historically been called Empty Nesters and more recently Free Birds.

And herein lies the rub, I don’t like either of these names.

Beyond Empty Nesters and Free Birds

I hope I am not being too sensitive when I say I do not want to be called either of these names. But both have connotations for me which do not reflect how I think about my relationship with my children in this next stage of life.

Empty Nester seems old fashioned and makes me think of little birds who never return home once they learn how to fly.

And Free Birds makes it seem as if my children are something to be escaped. As if they were shackles that Geoff and I cannot wait to shed; as if we were perpetually stuck in the terrible twos (and then yes, escape would be the right term!).

From where I sit each of these titles does a disservice toward my feelings about my children, being a parent, and how I envision our relationship moving forward.

Looking Beyond a Name

While I look forward to having more time with Geoff and friends and more flexibility in general, it is hard for me to imagine a world where my children are not always an important priority. This is a choice. I want to continue to be an integral and meaningful part of their lives. And I want them to think of this house as their home for as long as they need it and until they have one of their own (and frankly, even after they have one of their own).

Do not get me wrong, there have been times over the years when Empty Nester or Free Bird seemed to herald nirvana. No cooking meals, packing lunches, mediating arguments, taking vacations when everyone else on the planet was travelling, doing mountains of laundry, or chauffeuring from one activity to another.

But the truth is, your children get older and eventually they can do their own laundry, drive themselves, make their own appointments, and start to have lives beyond the core family unit. A different sort of equilibrium is reached. It becomes more about joint problem solving and helping them navigate the complexity of becoming an adult and less of what might be considered drudgery.

And as I get closer to September, I realize one of the gifts of the last 20 years of day-to-day parenting was the opportunity to put others first. It was impossible to focus solely on myself. If one aspect of finding purpose in life is working in service of others, I had that in spades. I also got to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally in return, and my life has a depth and richness I could never have imagined.

I also have a secret. I find my children fascinating. They have their own opinions and express themselves in ways I would never have imagined. Spending time with them is a breath of fresh air. There are often moments where I catch myself mesmerized by the people they are becoming. And I have an unquenchable curiosity about how they will navigate the hurdles in their lives and what decisions they will make about college, girlfriends & boyfriends, jobs, etc.

How could I not want to stay close and to see where it all goes? Which means, I need to find a word or a title which makes room for a deep, lifelong relationship with my children. For in my relationship with my children I find a way to answer the question Erik Erikson says many grapple with in life, “Can I make my life count?”

So maybe this next stage is more like a river splitting or a new branch growing from a tree. Still connected no matter where or how far they go. Imagining it like this rather than an empty nest or running away from something, gives room for our lives to continue to intersect. Visits in both directions, phone calls in between, new relationships with spouses and grandchildren (let’s not hurry on that one!), and many more adventures to be had.

Parting Thought

Finding purpose in life comes in many different ways. I have not always valued the parenting part as much as I should have perhaps. But as the day-to-day parenting part of my life ends, I realize how much purpose I do find in my role as a parent. And it is not something I wish to see end or to diminish with a silly name.

To be continued…