Answered: Where To Find Connection In Midlife
Last week I asked the question, “Where does one find connection and belonging in midlife and beyond?”
The good news? It is easier than you might think and there are many ways to answer this question. I want to give a huge shout of appreciation to everyone who responded as literally this week’s post would not have happened without you!
Why is this question so important in midlife?
This question has unique importance in midlife because it is easy to arrive at this point and be stuck in a rut or feel a bit confused and directionless. Up until now most of us have followed some variation of the same roadmap:
Go to college: make friends with other college students
Find a job & pursue a career: make friends with co-workers
Get married/find a significant other: make friends with your partner’s friends
Pick a place to live: make friends with your neighbors
Have kids: make friends with the parents of your children’s friends
Pursue initial hobbies: make friends with similar interests
We are generally prepared for all of those steps. But then we come to the end of this map and suddenly there is no prescribed roadmap of what we are supposed to do. Life takes you in different directions from college friends; you change jobs/work remote/stop working; you don’t like your partner’s friends/get divorced and the friendships do not survive; you move; your kids grow up and leave the house; you can’t run anymore due to bad knees or realize you never liked singing in the first place. It all changes. And perhaps worse, the only direction we have historically been given is, “It is time to retire, relax, and hang it up.”
To this I say, “Hell no!” This is a time to double down on maximizing your life. It might be the first time you have the time, freedom, and hopefully financial resources to live the life you truly desire. And a foundational piece of this life is feeling a sense of belonging and community.
As I said last week, “We are social animals. We not only crave connection, but we need it to thrive. We all want to feel we belong to something outside of ourselves and matter to others. Connection and community help us feel that our lives matter and give us a sense of purpose, happiness, and are vital for our health and longevity.
And now, the question answered!
What I love about all the responses I received is they are actions or steps we can all take. In some cases right now, and in others with just a little bit of thought and work. And as one reader said, “Making new friends after 50 is IMPORTANT and takes effort - you have to be willing put yourself out there.” So where have others found success?
Explore new interests
Pick up a new hobby, identify a topic you want to know more about, or revisit an activity you loved but for some reason stopped doing. The energy and enthusiasm these 2 readers have found pursuing this strategy is inspiring.
“For me, finding motorcycles gave me new experiences, new friends, and a massive cool & supportive community that has changed my life.”
“Joining this angel investor community has been awesome. We’ve had one “in real life” meeting but the rest is virtual. I’m learning so much and it’s an incredible group of women. Putting myself in a positive learning environment has been growth + community!”
Adopt a growth mindset
It is easy to find yourself in a rut in midlife, without even knowing it. One of my favorite suggestions for circumventing this was the recommendation to “Just say YES to everything. You’ll be amazed at the adventures and opportunities that spring up.” To me this embodies the spirit of living life to its fullest.
This was echoed by another woman who said, “I’m saying yes to more invitations to girls’ nights out, hike/running dates, and activities hosted in San Francisco, since it gets me out of my house and out of my comfort zone.”
And another person recommended not taking your health and life for granted. She says, “Fortunately my partner and I are active and lucky, since we know that circumstances can change in an instant.”
Expand your relationships
We should always have room in our lives for meeting new people, especially for those who make us feel more connected, more energized, and more alive. One reader noted that as dog owners they walk a lot and are always meeting new people, especially neighbors.
Connecting with neighbors was a common theme among those who responded. As one woman said, “Another connection I've nurtured is getting to know my San Francisco neighbors better. Most are older than me and are confronting different issues and we only get together occasionally but we wave at one another and say “hello” in daily passing - the short but important connection is powerful. The same can be said for our mail carrier and UPS delivery person - just having a one minute chat weekly is beneficial.”
One of the silver linings of Covid for my own family was the opportunity to get to know our neighbors better. It definitely has helped make our street feel more like a neighborhood and more welcoming.
Invest time in existing relationships
This is perhaps the most obvious strategy and yet one easy to lose sight of in the day-to-day busyness of our lives. This reader summed it up perfectly:
“I text / WhatsApp / telegram a lot to stay in touch with friends near and far. I travel to see friends that have moved away. I email, I call, I hang on to my friends.”
As simple as that…she prioritizes her friends. Her comment is exactly the reminder I need to pick up the phone (not historically my strong suit).
For others it is about reprioritizing and reconnecting with family. One of my sisters has said that as she has gotten older, she is realizing even more the importance of family. And one reader who “is missing her side of the family” plans to spend more time next year in Florida to be closer to them and to reconnect in a physical way.
And a piece of advice which I am going to try and put into practice immediately, “When saying to someone “we should get together sometime” immediately get out your calendar and set it up. People are at first surprised but then excited that there is a plan.”
Join a group
As I said above, human beings are by and large social creatures and need a sense of belonging. While groups come in many different shapes and sizes, some frequently mentioned groups were non-profit boards, sports related activities, and book groups. Those who mentioned board work said it kept them learning new things and meeting new people, which has also been my own experience.
And those in groups connected to physical hobbies said:
“I find the tennis community a great place to connect with people. Men and women with a similar love for a sport, it's social on and off the court, you can play multiple times a week, you can join teams (women’s, men's or mixed) and the Club itself acts as the heart, the beehive! It’s a unique and special community.”
“I joined a running club 6 years ago and met a wonderful new group of friends! Different from my other friend groups, some of these folks have kids, others never have, one is a single parent, one is gay, AND we all enjoy running although some have transitioned to longer walks and still join us for social gatherings. Over time and many runs we’ve bonded and now provide important support for one another as we navigate parents’ dying, partners’ health issues, children leaving the home, etc…I wouldn’t trade my running friends for anything.”
And for another reader her book club is the anchor. “I am the organizing force behind the group, which everyone appreciates. For me it is the gathering, talking and sharing that keeps me going with the organizing. We have all brought new people to the club over the years. Some stay, some move on. But I meet new people this way. I have an email list for those that come each month to organize the food and such. But I have second list that is a bit longer that includes those that moved away and still want to know what we are reading.”
From my own experience I would include attending Burning Man and forming a camp. I have made new friends, found a way to give back, and enjoy being part of community of others committed to upholding a shared set of principles.
Parting Thought
It takes intentionality, reflection, some effort and a willingness to go all in. But finding connection is perhaps not as hard as it seems at first glance. And most importantly, it is good to know others are looking for it too and are ready to meet you halfway.
Holos will be on vacation for the next couple of weeks. See you in August.
To be continued…
