The Choices We Make

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had made different choices along the way?

Lately I have been reflecting on the path my life has taken. Not so uncommon at this stage in life. Specifically I have been thinking about all the choices, big and small, I have made along the way as I often wonder what my life would be like had I made different choices. A silly exercise at the end of the day as it is impossible to know.

The idea of choice is both mundane (we make choices all the time) and fascinating (you never really know where something is going to take you) at the same time. On one hand when you make a choice you close off other paths, and yet without making choices we cannot move forward.

So how do we make choices that get us closer to living the life we want? From my experience our best bet is to bring as much intention as possible to our choices. This is how we increase the chance of living the life we desire, not one which just “happens” to us.

Intention

Intention is your best friend in moments of choice. There will always be more options than any of us could possibly pursue. So the better we know ourselves, the better choices we can make. The key to this is listening closely to our inner voice. It is the one which pulls us, sometimes subtly and sometimes more overtly, in the direction we are meant to go. Bad or imperfect choices often result from not paying attention to or ignoring the subtle signs we are given.

Intention can also help prevent regret. If a choice is required and we recognize that no future is guaranteed, then choosing with intention is the best we can do. And when it does not turn out exactly as envisioned, if the decision had intention behind it, there is a good chance it will take you in an interesting direction nonetheless.

Intention also helps prevent us from wasting our time, helps us to meet our goals, and brings to life our values through our choices. It is necessary for a purposeful life.   

There is Not Just One Path

Life is rarely black and white and more often than not there is more than one right choice. But each choice may ultimately lead you somewhere different. Not better or worse, just different. I believe there were many different decisions and choices I could have made and still ended up with a happy life. But the choices I made along the way that got me to where I am today reflected my interests, beliefs, and opportunities at the time.

I needed this small but important realization. My default tendency is to wish I could do ALL the things I want but I have realized there is literally not enough time in one lifetime for my wish list. So I must choose. And my choices are what create a meaningful and purposeful life for myself.

Making choices is inevitable. Be intentional. Put one foot in front of the other, make progress, and take action. For truly status quo is not usually an option.

Choice and Free Will

One cannot talk about choice without also touching on free will. Last spring I wrote Hopeful in Midlife, a piece expressing my belief that we have more control over hope in our lives than we might expect. This is because hope comes from things we control, our actions (choices) and beliefs.

One of my subscribers sent me an insightful and thoughtful response to that post reflecting on the piece and how it reminded her of her own thinking about free will. It seemed relevant to today’s post and I am sharing it below as I like how she talks about the intersection of choice and free will.

Her Response (lightly edited)

Your post reminded me that the other day I was meditating on free will. I realized that, for me, free will can be associated with overwhelm. Because I feel free to make any choice I want, I subconsciously (or consciously) can feel overwhelmed by the number of options. And a sense of anxiety about making the "right" choice. And a feeling that it is "up to me" to solve the world's problems because, after all, I have privilege, resources, and free will, so perhaps it is "up to me" to do something. This can lead to analysis paralysis.

On meditating further, I realized that, for me, free will is less an open expanse of energy and potentiality than it is like water. I am a container, and my free will is the water contained within it.  I have a finite amount of energy, and therefore free will, at my disposal, and the most I can do is keep it calm and clear and use it wisely. I can pour it into actions, but then I must also fill it back up with nourishing activities, otherwise I will become empty. This helped me feel less overwhelmed by the thought of free will, more contained in the knowing (and humility) of being just one person. My conclusion was that the act of free will is liberating - it is what I do with the resources I have been given - and yet it is also contained. It is likewise connected to not overextending myself, giving power away, taking on too much responsibility, or trying to be all things to all people - which, in turn, can lead to the victim state that you so wisely named.

Parting Thought

“One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes. In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

To be continued…