Part 2: Take Back Control Of Your Life
Last week was Part 1 of my interview with Bella Dodds, a Holistic Health and Stress Coach. Today we continue our conversation.
As I mentioned last week, by the time we are in our 40s and 50s we often have a better sense of who we are. However, we might not know what we want going forward or how to get it. Bella recently wrote a book, Anchoring Into Grace, which addresses these questions as well as resolve bigger issues around stress and burnout. It can be used by anyone who wants to have more control over their lives and find greater peace and happiness.
This week we talk about how survival strategies developed in childhood might work against us in midlife, the importance of inner resilience, and why self-nourishment is critical. Her insights will help make the rest of your life more manageable and inspiring.
Enjoy!
Karyn: How do survival strategies around love and safety, developed in childhood, connect to being disconnected, burned out, and stressed as adults?
Bella: Let’s say for example, you had a parent who had high expectations of you growing up. If you did well, you received warmth and love. But if you received a bad grade on a test for example, you may have felt coldness or disappointment. To avoid disappointing your parent, you may have developed a strong work ethic and put high expectations on yourself. You tried to do everything right to avoid getting in trouble or being a disappointment.
As a child, this strategy worked well because your life was not too complicated. If you worked hard, it was possible to get exceptional grades, follow the rules, and keep your room immaculately clean. But overtime if you are still always trying to do everything right and never make mistakes, this strength can work against you at the complex level of your adult life.
This is particularly true in mid-life when you are juggling so many responsibilities: a job, children, aging parents, your relationship with your significant other. The intense pressure you put on yourself will fuel overwhelm, burnout, resentment, depression, and anxiety like you wouldn’t believe. And unfortunately, you can’t just intellectually stop yourself from acting this way.
Why?
For one, this strategy typically took root over the first 15-20 years of your life. During this time, not only did it become a deeply engrained habit, but your strategy to try and do everything right and not make any mistakes, simultaneously became inter-connected with your body’s survival program.
Your survival program is an incredibly powerful and advanced system rooted in millions of years of evolution. For instance, studies have shown that your conscious mind processes 40 stimuli per second, whereas your subconscious mind processes over 20,000,000 stimuli per second. Which begs us to ask the question, “What part of ourselves do we think will win out in the long run?”
So, unless you begin to work in harmony with your body to up-level how you “play the game” you will continue to work against yourself and be burned out. If you want to feel good and thrive in life and not just survive, it is wise to work in harmony with the wisdom within you.
Karyn: In your book you say, “To be strong in the world is first and foremost an inside job.” What do you mean by this?
Bella: Yes, great question. Being strong on the inside is a daily practice.
It is in the same category as eating the right foods to be healthy and energized, moving our bodies to avoid feeling lethargic, stiff, or depressed, and sleeping to function optimally. These are well-known. But we often overlook our mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
If we want to be confident, if we want to feel good, even amidst adversity, then we need to take non-negotiable time for ourselves. I refer to this step as self-nourishment, as self-care has lost the depth of its meaning. I teach my clients the critical importance of self-nourishment, of taking time to do things which make us feel strong and confident inside so they can show up how they want in their lives.
The good news is there are infinite ways to be strong within ourselves. Rumi put it beautifully when he said, “There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the ground, there are a thousand ways to come home again.”
There are many levels to this quote, one I believe is, there is no one right way to the center. There is no one right way to connect to peace, love, spiritual, or healing energy. There are infinite ways.
Some days you may need to lay in the sun for twenty minutes, guilt-free, to calm your anxious mind and reset yourself. Other days you may want to host a dinner party with friends, make love to your partner, or get outside for an adventure. Being strong on the inside means you understand to feel good you need to do things which make you feel good.
This is your responsibility. You can’t wait for someone to give you permission. You need to put your well-being high on your priority list and make time. Then everything else in your life will work better. Even 5 - 10-minute mini-breaks throughout the day can make a big difference.
Karyn: Do you have advice for someone who is stressed, exhausted, and/or burned out but doesn’t feel like they have 5 or 10 minutes every day to put themself first or to address burnout?
Bella: If someone is reading this and thinking, “There is no way. I simply don’t have enough time. I’m already busy enough as it is.” My loving coaching response is – then don’t be surprised if you end up feeling like shit after you’ve spent months on end focusing most of your waking life solving problems, putting out fires, being responsible, and putting everyone’s needs above your own.
If you are stressed and burned out - your life is giving you feedback. It is telling you your current approach isn’t working. And this isn’t a bad thing. You’re halfway to solving the problem when you stop and acknowledge there is a problem.
Burning ourselves out won’t create enduring safety and stability for our family. Nor will we get rewarded with weekly applause of appreciation for how hard we’ve been working. Looking for validation from the outer world first will often result in feeling frustrated, resentful, lonely, and unappreciated.
So, if we want to feel good, we need to make feeling good a priority. I dive into this in the 3rd section of my book, how to achieve it, as well as the scientifically proven health benefits behind it. But I will say making time for yourself is much easier to accomplish after you learn how to reverse your overactive survival stress response and bring your survival strategies into balance (i.e. perfectionism, people pleasing, being overly sensitive to the moods and emotions of others, being a workaholic, etc.).
Investing time to heal yourself doesn’t have to be looked at as another thing you have to do. On the contrary, I believe our healing journeys are one of the most rewarding, beautiful journeys we can take in our lifetimes. It is okay if you are struggling. But not doing anything about it will most likely compound the problem, so I’d say make time to save time.
The truth is, if you could have figured it out on your own by now, you would have. I personally love getting coached on a regular basis. It is such a relief having someone show me with precision my blind spots. It saves me so much time and suffering!
Also, taking time to reset and refuel yourself is not being selfish – it is the opposite. When you make your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being a priority – it will not only help you be your best self, but it will help you be your best self with others too. It will make the rest of your life more manageable and inspiring.
Parting Thought
I have worked with Bella to find the validation I need internally which has had a profound impact on my ability to manage stress. I truly can’t recommend Bella and her process enough.
If what we have discussed resonates with you, you can email her through her website belladodds.com or call her at: 303-390-0702 to set up a complimentary consultation. In addition to her book, Anchoring Into Grace, she is starting a podcast in April: How to Be Calm in a Chaotic World. Both are available on her website.
You can also connect with her on Instagram at: @belladodds and Facebook @belladodds.
See you next week…
