Thinking About Friends
I recently had a birthday, and a dear set of friends threw me a small dinner party. At the end of a delicious dinner and following a tradition in their house, everyone went around the table and spoke briefly on what they appreciated about me. What a gift! To hear what you mean to the people closest to you in life is simply amazing and is something you rarely get to enjoy.
I also spoke, and what I said was something along the lines of perhaps the truest measure of success in life is having great friendships. Sitting there at dinner, I felt like I had achieved such success. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, after survival and safety, humans need belonging and love. The feeling of love and belonging was the real gift my friends gave me that night and it is perhaps the most important role friends play in our lives.
Prioritizing Friends
There are many reasons why we needs friends, and while you may have your own, science has something to say on this topic. Among the top reasons for having friends are less loneliness and social isolation, reduced stress, emotional support, personal development, a sense of belonging, and support through challenges.
However, despite all these benefits there are times in life when it is not easy to prioritize or invest in ones friends. Life can get in the way for any number of reasons. And I must admit that between ages 40 -50, I didn’t prioritize my friendships due to a demanding job coupled with three boys at home. As I approached my late 40s and definitely by the time I turned 50, my life felt increasingly unbalanced and missing “something.”
Now this is not to say I did not have friends, but I did not feel as close to them or as involved in their lives as I desired. My interaction was not regular enough to be intimately involved in the details; to know the little joys and challenges, to provide support, and to celebrate their wins. Instead, I felt like I was perpetually catching up.
In my excuse bucket, or if I am being kinder to myself, the reality at the time was I could focus on only so many things at once. And I chose work, my husband and 3 kids, and myself– a combo which didn’t leave a whole hell of a lot of room for anything else. Perhaps time with friends could have fallen in the “myself bucket” but I am an introvert and what free time I had, I craved being alone, still, and quiet. It was how I maintained my sanity and juggled the rest of my life. One of my dearest friends is an extrovert and recharges by being around others…I envy this about her.
I knew my choices had resulted in an unhealthy balance and that something would have to change. In fact, when I stepped down from running the museum 3 years ago, prioritizing my friends was one of my top goals. I still had great friends and I really missed them. Men and women who are interesting, quirky, funny, soulful, and who “fill me up.” Even with my busy, jam-packed life, without them around it was easy to feel lonely, or like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.
But now I am in a different place; my work is not as demanding or all consuming, my children are older and require less day-to-day parenting, and my life allows me to balance my need to be alone and time with family and friends. I also think I am clearer on what I need and want from my friendships, and I want to be as intentional about my relationships as I am with other aspects of my life.
The Role of Friendship
My friendships are about more than just having people to confide in or to spend time with when I am not busy. As Eckhart Tolle says, “If I accept my relationships are here to make me conscious, instead of happy, then my relationships become a wonderful self-mastery tool that keeps realigning me with my higher purpose for living.” While I want my friendships to make me happy too, I want my friendships to be part of living a purposeful life.
I also think of my friends as people who extend my world. Patricia Mou, in her blog, says “Don’t surround yourself with smarter people. Surround yourself with people who are free in ways you’re not. People who are playing just a slightly different game than you are – awakening you from the finite game you might be already asleep in.” I find this thought inspiring. It speaks to the need for continued personal growth, to push yourself out of your comfort zone, and to create opportunities to see the world through the eyes of others.
On the flipside, it is important to develop friendships with others who share similar passions and interests. I read someplace that if you do not, then you might end up in the situation where you have a private passionate life, but no one share it with and where you are ultimately lonely.
Good friends model acceptance, something I want to be better about. They accept you as you are, just like you accept them as they are. I think this in turn helps us to love and accept ourselves and to see our innate worthiness.
And, as a newer friend and I were discussing over lunch, it is OK to prune your friendships from time to time. Which doesn’t necessarily mean these people might never play a meaningful role in your life in the future. I like to think of the people as planets, sometimes they are in your orbit and sometimes maybe they are not. The benefit of this is you make room for new friends, as we only have so much time and energy for meaningful relationships.
Lastly, I like to remind myself when it comes to friends - it is quality over quantity!
Parting Thought
Good friends wait for you, they create space for you, and they love you no matter what. They are happy to hear from you, even if it has been forever since you last spoke. The conversation picks up as if you talked yesterday.
So, thank you to all my friends who stayed with me during the years when I was more absent than present. And thank you for allowing me to re-enter your lives and pick back up our friendship…it has meant the world to me. So, based on my experience if there is someone in your life who “fills you up,” give them a call or shoot them an email…it truly doesn’t matter how long it has been.
To be continued…
