Not Drinking Right Now

Here we are midway through January, and for those doing a dry January, you are almost halfway to the finish line!  

In the spirit of dry January, the new year as a time for reflection, and the fact many women in midlife find alcohol impacts them differently as they get older I am excited to share today’s article. I was recently having lunch with a friend who casually mentioned that she no longer drank alcohol and would probably never go back. I am not ready to go there, yet. But given the current “sober curious” and “temperance” movements, I was curious to learn about her motivations and journey. And I wanted to share her story with you in case you are curious too. 

Karyn: When did you stop drinking and what has it been like?

NDRN: I have not had alcohol in close to 3 years. Over the course of this time, I have evolved in a way that I was not expecting. Most notably I am significantly more present in my own life. I truly believe all my senses have become more acute and I feel hyper aware. Sometimes I think it is my brain returning to a younger version of before I started drinking in my teens.

Karyn: What motivated you to stop drinking?

NDRN: There are so many reasons!  For starters, as a kid, I didn’t witness a healthy relationship with alcohol in my family. Alcohol brought fighting and loud voices, not “happy drunks” singing and loving each other. I also saw that older members of my family were increasingly “out of it” after a few drinks. 

And then when I hit menopause, sleeping well became more challenging and I had a bit of brain fog. I had a hunch alcohol was not helping.

Karyn: What was your history with drinking? 

NDRN: I was never a partier. In fact, I rarely had hard alcohol and mostly consumed wine. I honestly started to drink more AFTER I had kids. I viewed a drink as something well-deserved after a long day with small children, and it helped me relax and take the edge off my day. Prior to children, I socialized a lot in the evening.  But with little ones in the house, I was held captive and a glass of wine or two felt like an escape.

Karyn: When did you start to question your drinking?

NDRN: There were a few signs that I needed to stop and analyze my behavior. I recall going to my doctor and checking off “4 - 6 drinks” on the admittance form that asked how many drinks I consumed per week. In the meeting my doctor asked how many drinks I had per day, and I said, “two to three”. She stopped, looked me in the eyes, and said, “If you are drinking two to three per day, that is 14 – 21 per week. For women, more than 7 drinks per week is considered heavy alcohol use.”  Yikes! 

I also had a few times when I felt the spins at night. It felt wrong to be my age, a parent, and not feel in control. 

Karyn: What was the first step you took to change your habits?

NDRN: For several years, I would give up drinking for the month of January. It was never difficult, and I would drink a little less in the months following. But by the time I got to December again, I was back to two drinks per night consistently.

I decided I needed to stop and really examine why I was reaching for a drink. I found that I had been raised to believe there was always a good excuse to drink. I could always finish the sentence “I am” with lots of credible reasons. “I am … stressed, celebrating, tired, happy, sad, angry, deserving, relaxing, in the mood, thirsty, eating lasagna” - you name it.

Karyn: How did you go from giving up drinking for one month to 3 years?

NDRN: My hairdresser of 15 years knew my goal of not drinking in January. He suggested that if I really wanted to “get to know myself” and “really see if I didn’t need to drink”, I should consider giving up alcohol for a year. His suggestion blew my mind but struck me as a healthy challenge. 

Of course, who would have guessed that 2020 would be a particularly interesting year to go dry. It helped that I had a few months alcohol-free under my belt before the world fell apart. I also found that having no social pressure to drink made it easier to keep it up.

Karyn: How did you break the habit? 

NDRN: Every time I wanted a drink, I would stop and examine the thought. This was both exhausting and eye-opening. I also physically removed myself from the moment when I had the urge for the first drink. I would either take a walk or just leave the kitchen. And I found that replacing the first cocktail with another special beverage helped. My personal choice is kombucha or sparkling water with bitters – both still feel special and adult.

Karyn: Did you ever think about just trying to moderate your drinking?

NDRN: I truly wish I was a person who could have a glass of wine occasionally. I have learned that eliminating an unhealthy habit fully is significantly easier for me than reducing it. I was wasting a lot of willpower trying to convince myself not to drink or to say no to offers of “just one drink” at parties.

Karyn: What happens when people offer you a drink in a social setting?

NDRN: Let me start by saying, I have absolutely no judgment on anyone who drinks. At first when I declined a drink, people’s reactions were surprising. Sometimes they got defensive like my choice was about them, or they would immediately awkwardly ask if I “had” to quit. Then they would want to tell me how much they drink or why they would never give it up. 

More and more often though, someone pulls me aside to ask me how I did it or tell me they wish they could. It made me realize how many people were questioning their own drinking habits. 

Karyn: Do you think you will continue to be sober?

NDRN: To be honest, I don’t like using the word “sober.” I think it is a loaded word that connotes a very serious commitment for an alcoholic. I just like to say, “I’m not drinking right now” because I honestly don’t know if I will again. 

I rarely think about drinking but when I do, it is a clear warning sign that I need to examine what I am feeling and work through my thoughts or emotions. I have so much more clarity and spiritual awareness now that I would be surprised if I drank again. I cannot envision a scenario where a cocktail was more important than how good I feel now.

Karyn: Did other people notice any changes in you? 

NDRN: My kids have told me that I have a lot more patience with them. They also said that I am more up for a game or talking with them at night. After my first year of not drinking, my ten-year-old son remarked that giving up drinking must be one of the hardest things to do in life. When I asked why, he said adults always have such a big and weird reaction when I say I’m not drinking.

Karyn: Were there any resources that were particularly helpful to you?

NDRN: Although I had already stopped drinking when I read “Quit Like a Woman” by Holly Whitaker, her process resonated with me. Her writing on how women are marketed to by spirits companies, why AA was built for men, and how people who are not alcoholics need a different program to stop drinking were insightful. 

I enjoyed Zero-Proof Cocktails by Elva Ramirez for inspiration on non-alcoholic beverages. And I briefly used the app, Nomo which tracks time and money saved by not drinking.  After a few months, I bought myself something as a reward with the money I had saved.

 Karyn: Any parting words?

NDRN: A person’s drinking journey is deeply personal. I was committed to seeking therapy and counseling as I was examining my impulses and thoughts. I would recommend that anyone contemplating a year of sobriety consider pairing it with some emotional support for all the thoughts which come up that are no longer getting “numbed” by alcohol.

Parting Thought

I deeply appreciate my friend’s candor and willingness to share her story. We can learn so much about the process of living as well as find courage and inspiration in the stories of others. This is really what Holos is all about, the sharing of information to help you live a healthier, happier, and more successful life.

I would love to hear from you! Please let me know what resonated with you or let me know if there is a topic you would like me to write about.

To be continued…