Midlife, An Investment In The Rest Of Your Life
How incredible is it to realize your best years may still be ahead of you? Part of my motivation for navigating midlife successfully is to lay the foundation for the rest of my life.
With this goal in mind, I recently sat down with Lori Ogden Moore and Wynn Burkett of Third Third Ventures, experts in navigating healthy aging. I wanted to get their perspective on how women in midlife can best prepare themselves for what Lori and Wynn call the Third Third.
Imagine your life in 3 chapters, birth to 30, 30 to 60 and 60 to 90. Each third building on the previous but with its own set of challenges and opportunities. The decisions you make in your second third will inform your Third Third. Given women now have a life expectancy of 86.5 years, it is important to give this some thought!
Lori and Wynn are executive, leadership and longevity coaches who help clients strategize and plan for life after the busy years of building resumes and raising families. As longevity coaches, they work with clients to develop a personal vision for this next life chapter, which -- for most -- is life’s most meaningful and happiest. In their coaching, they pull from science, medicine, psychology and spirituality to enable their clients to experience ongoing learning, growth and possibility while addressing challenges during the third chapter of life.
Preparing for Your Best Third Third
Preparation for anything takes a specific plan. From their coaching work, Lori and Wynn know there are 2 critical components to any plan. First, you need congruence between mind, body, emotion, and spirit. Each of these parts needs to work toward the same end. And second, you need to have a vision for the future and understand what support and steps you need to take to realize your vision.
They ground their approach to longevity in a model put forth by Dr. Philip Pizzo, a former Dean of the School of Medicine at Stanford University. This model is comprised of 3 pillars: wellness, purpose, and social engagement. Address these 3 pillars with intention and you will arrive at 60 ready to go!
The first pillar, wellness, has 4 dimensions: mind, body, emotion, and spirit. To maximize your chance of being healthy enough to live a long life of well-being it is necessary to address each. The World Health Organization defines healthy aging as having the functional ability to live a meaningful life. Functional ability is defined as being able to meet your basic needs, to learn, to grow & make decisions, to be mobile, to build & maintain relationships and to contribute to society.
Wynn and Lori intentionally start with wellness in their work with clients. Given only 10-20% of your longevity is determined by your DNA, the lifestyle choices you make can have a significant impact on your health. It is important to eat well, exercise, get enough sleep and attend to the needs of the soul and the psyche. To underscore the importance of the last 2, those who have a positive attitude toward aging live on average 7.5 years longer than those with a more negative attitude! As you reflect on your own health, Lori and Wynn suggest asking, “Are there habits you can change now to lead a healthier life?”
Purpose is the second pillar. This is the importance of finding meaning where you commit your time, such as work and family. Your purpose will most likely evolve over time and you can have a different purpose for different parts of your life.
To find purpose in your life, Lori and Wynn have clients ask themselves, “What activities fuel your energy and give you a sense of meaning?” It could be work, raising a family, caring for your parents, volunteering to help underserved youth, volunteering for a political campaign or contributing your professional skills on a pro bono basis.
The third pillar, connection, is the single biggest determinate of your longevity. Studies have shown loneliness is as detrimental to your health as obesity and smoking. However, in midlife, connection to others can often be the biggest challenge.
During this time, many are so focused on family and work it crowds out other forms of connection. I know this was the case for me in my last job. I had work and family and little time for anything else. I found myself missing the deeper connection which comes from spending quality time with friends.
Lori and Wynn’s advice for creating meaningful social networks and fostering community, be intentional and invest the time. Ask yourself who are the people and communities you want to invest in? Then create an intention to spend time on these relationships.
These relationships and the support they provide become more essential as we age. You may not see it yet, but as your parents age they might not be able to support you as they have in the past. In fact, you may be supporting them. So, rather than go to yet another cocktail party you dread, call up a friend you haven’t seen in forever. Or join a non-profit board, a book club or start a hiking group. Meaningful connection can be found everywhere.
Define a Successful Life
Our definition of success can get in the way of living the life we truly desire. Lori and Wynn ask their clients, “What does it mean to have a successful life?”
It is easy to equate professional success with a successful life. But is this enough? Is success power, money, attending the right schools or is there more? What is the right balance for you? Depending on how you answer this question, you might need to make some changes to how you spend your time.
Interestingly, one of the changes which occurs as people near their Third Third is they shift from focusing on their own achievement to giving back. Giving back can take many forms. It might be volunteering, mentoring, deep friendship, coaching your son’s lacrosse team or teaching a friend a skill you have honed over the years. And the best part, giving back is often associated with greater levels of happiness and fulfillment.
How does this factor into your definition of a successful life? Where do you find achievement in your life now? How might this change?
The Not Obvious
According to Lori, one of the traps of midlife is we often feel we should be doing more. Her advice, “Don’t try and do more during your second third.” In your Third Third, everything being equal, there will be time for travel, yourself, your spouse (who may have felt neglected during the child rearing years), creativity and soulfulness. In the Third Third you will be past prime career advancement years, building your financial nest egg, your children will be grown and will have left the house and there will be less external demands on your time (I can’t wait!). You will have time to reclaim yourself and pursue new interests and opportunities.
For those with kids at home who might be worried or anxious about being an empty nester, try to imagine what will be good when your kids leave, rather than focusing on their absence. For example, ponder all the adventures you and your spouse can have again once you have less responsibilities…it will be like when you first started dating!
And remember, you are on a journey. As you age, you will have more wisdom, more perspective, and an appreciation for the preciousness of life because you will have a greater sense of its finiteness.
Good News on Happiness
We get happier as we get older. Research has shown happiness tends to decline between 20 and 40 and starts to increase again at 51. How amazing is this? Honestly, this should make you want to get up and dance!
Parting Thought
Their parting words of advice? Lori says, “Hang in there, it will get easier, and know you are doing great pulling off everything you have on your plate.” And Wynn offered, “Don’t buy into ageism. Keep an open mind. Keep looking for new and novel activities, find moments of wonder and awe and most importantly, don’t prejudice yourself against your future self.”
You can find Lori and Wynn and learn more about longevity coaching and navigating your Third Third at Third Third Ventures.
See you next week…
P.S. No Drips & Drops with interview editions...more coming next week
