What Death, Grief, And Loss Teach Us About Living

When my mom died a few years ago, I realized our culture does not do enough to prepare us for death, grieving, or loss. I wish I had been more prepared in every way. Instead, I was left to grapple with my profound sadness and grief, to confront my own mortality, and to make sense of a world where I no longer had a mom…all at the same time. It was a lot.

Often, we learn the lessons we need though personal experience, but it does not always have to be this way. Following her death and my realization of how little we discuss something which is inevitable, I have become curious about death, grieving, and loss and what they can teach us about life. We need to discuss these topics to understand our beliefs and to face our fears. Only then can we know what they have to teach us and more fully embrace life.

In today’s article I interview Tara Coyote, a beautiful and amazing woman who I have known for almost 20 years. I met Tara through Pilates in 2003 when she was helped me get back in shape after the birth of my first child. She went on to practice Equine Therapy and write a book about her journey through cancer to full recovery.

At 46, Tara was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and forced to confront her fear of death. She and I discuss living with a life-threatening diagnosis, actively choosing life yet surrendering to death, and what she has learned about grief, death, and mortality.

Karyn: You recently wrote a lovely book about your journey through cancer to full recovery. Where does your story begin?

Tara: My dear friend Deb was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia at the age of 44 and I was one of her main caregivers for the last 22 months of her life. This experience brought me face-to-face with what it means to be mortal and to understand embracing life means embracing death. Then 1 year after Deb died, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

The goal of my book is to help take the fear out of cancer, death, and grief. Our culture teaches us to fear death which in turn creates unnecessary fear and anxiety. I believe if we discussed these topics more often, we would enjoy life more.

Karyn: What is the significance of the title of your book, Grace, Grit & Gratitude?

Tara: I practiced Kundalini Yoga for many years. My teacher believed to get through life you must have grace and grit. Grace to roll with changes and grit to keep going. I added gratitude because it has enabled me to find beauty in the midst of tragedy.

Karyn: You wrote, “Living with a life-threatening diagnosis is walking on the razor’s edge of life and death. I’m actively choosing life yet surrendered to death?” What does this mean?

Tara: I love the metaphor of the razers edge – for me it meant acknowledging and choosing life, but also acknowledging I don’t know how long I have to live. This applies to everyone at every moment but when given a life-threatening diagnosis it becomes even more clear.

I only wish I had this awareness earlier in my life. Time is sacred. Life is precious. Death makes it clear we are not immortal, and death cannot be pushed to the side. The reality is we live with death every day.

Karyn: What were the 2-3 most important things which helped you get through such a difficult time/experience?

Tara: First, my relationship with my horses and the strength and grace they give me. The energetic presence of horses is magical, calming, and grounding. With them I feel both present and reflective.

Second, would be nature. I love living in Hawaii. My ancestors are from Hawaii, and I truly feel my roots there. The land there is vibrant, healing, and a source of power for me. When I am away too long, I feel the need to get back to Hawaii.

And third, my writing. I write every morning. It is cathartic, healing, and helps me release whatever I am feeling and move through it. It is also a powerful way to have other people be witness to my thoughts and feelings.

Karyn: You talk about your journey as a path for transformation rather than being in a victim mindset…what do you mean by this? What did this look like on a day-to-day basis?

Tara: Transformation is a metamorphosis. I faced my death. I made it to 52 when I didn’t even think I would make it to 50. How amazing! It is about letting challenge grow and change you. It is about seeing the opportunity within each experience rather than holding a victim mindset.

A cancer diagnosis is a mindfuck. But we have a choice every single moment to choose what to think. It is all too easy for people with cancer to fall into a victim mentality. To think, “I have cancer.” “I’m going to die.” “Poor me.” “I can’t go out; people will look at me strangely.”

I get it. If you decided to go through treatment you, will lose your hair and you might have a mastectomy. This can be especially hard for women; it can feel like giving up a big piece of your identity. 

But ultimately it is about choosing what you want in each moment. It is about choosing life. I never look at the statistics. I know I am more than a statistic which I think is one of the reasons I am doing so well. I don’t limit myself.

Karyn: What role did gratitude, surrender and fear play in your journey?

Tara: Fear played a big role in my journey. When I was referred to hospice and had to face my own mortality, I also had to face my worst fear which was chemotherapy. A fear connected to watching my friend Deb die.

I had to ask myself, “Do I want to live?” “Why do I want to live?” “Do I have the strength to do the thing I fear the most, chemotherapy?” It came down to my love for my son. I want to be here for him. I have had several friends die young, who had only used natural therapies, and they left behind young kids.

I like to think of fear as False. Evidence. Appearing. Real. This framework helped me because it gets at the core of fear. I also made use of Byron Katie’s work which focuses on questioning your thoughts. It wasn’t like chemo was going to be easy, but my fear and anxiety made the chemo worse.

Surrender was also important. In the hard moments, particularly the first few months of intense chemo, facing the demons in my mind, losing 20 pounds, and almost dying, I had to believe I would get through it.

The more I could surrender to the sensation and experience, the quicker I could move through it. This meant surrendering to what I was feeling or experiencing in the moment, be it anger, anxiety, depression, or whatever. As well as surrendering to my body’s aches and pains.

The more you fight something, the longer it lasts. I don’t think of surrender as giving up. Rather it is staying in your fortitude and power through everything.

Lastly, as I mentioned earlier, gratitude was a huge part of my journey. For me, finding gratitude and joy even at the worst moments was important. When I broke my hip, had to have double hip surgery, and my partner and I had just broken up I still found things for which to be grateful. It could be a beautiful day in Kauai or my cousin taking care of me.

There is always something you can be grateful for, even in the worst circumstances.

Karyn: What does self-love mean to you after your healing journey?

Tara: I love this topic and I attribute self-love as a huge part, if not everything, in getting me to where I am today, a cancer thriver.

How can you care for others if your own cup is empty?

In my book I talk about Aloha Ma, a Hawaiian term meaning self-reflective love. The hardest part of my journey was during chemo when I lost so much weight and my hair.

I thought to myself, “I am so close to death.” “I really want to heal.” “What do I need to do for myself?” I had to develop an awareness that I deserved the same love, care, and attention I give to everyone else.

To shine Aloha Ma back on yourself is where you can find happiness, health, and fulfillment. We are deserving. In our culture we are taught self-care is selfish. In my book I reference of friend of mine who talks about self-fullness…think how wonderful it would be for society if we were all practicing self-fullness.

Karyn: What advice or perspective can you share with someone facing their own mortality?

I love to remind people they are much stronger than they think they are. We are amazing beings with ultimate potential for healing and growth. Stories abound of people who have used the power of the mind to heal the body. I would encourage people to not be limited by outside statistics. See beyond what others tell you is possible.

Karyn: What have you learned about grief?

Tara:  I love the saying, “Grief is love.” Where there is great grief, there has been great love. Grief can be profoundly healing if you can surrender to it.

Every emotion has a meaning, a question, and a way of being with it. For grief, it means there has been a great loss beyond your control. With sadness, there is a choice, i.e., you choose to leave a job or a relationship.

Allow yourself to be in grief, acknowledge it hurts. It is a great opportunity for transformation.

Parting Thought

Tara’s last words in our interview are a beautiful parting thought. “There is so much in life to enjoy. Follow your heart and face your fears. Really listen and take the time to be present with it.”

Tara Coyote is the owner of Wind Horse Sanctuary, a horse retreat center, in Kaua’i, Hawaii. She is also a certified Equine Facilitated Learning teacher and a life coach. Over the years, she has guided hundreds of people with private sessions, group workshops and ‘Grief Rituals with Horses’.

You can read more about Tara’s experience, through her memoir, Grace, Grit & Gratitude: A Cancer Thriver’s Journey from Hospice to Full Recovery with the Healing Power of Horses.

You can also connect with Tara at https://www.instagram.com/taracoyote, https://www.cancerwarrioress.com/, https://www.windhorsesanctuary.com/, https://youtube.com/c/TaraCoyote, and https://www.facebook.com/windhorsesanctuary

See you next week…