Accepting Midlife
I had an uncomfortable realization a few weeks ago. I write about midlife and believe it can be an energizing time filled with opportunity and is fertile ground for laying the foundation for the rest of my life. On the other hand, on some level, I am resisting getting older with my whole being.
I feel like a hypocrite.
My Realization
It happened while seeing a new doctor, who specializes in homeopathy. As I said to her, my chief complaint is I don’t feel like myself, meaning I don’t have the same level of vitality and energy as I did 10 years ago. After an extensive consultation which resulted in her giving me 2 remedies, she had one last thing to say to me.
She said, “When we are 30, we are not the same as when were 20, when we are 40, we are not the same as when we were 30, and (you know where this is going) when you are 50, you are not the same as when you are 40.” It was so simple and yet the implication behind her words hit me like a ton of bricks.
As I walked to my car, it dawned on me I was searching for a magic elixir, the proverbial fountain of youth. What I was not doing was practicing loving acceptance. There is a difference between trying to feel your best and trying to feel as you did when you were 20, 30 or 40. Ouch!
My resistance shows up when I look in the mirror and despair about the wrinkles around my eyes or the crepey skin on my neck and think to myself, “Time for more Botox.” As I bemoan the weight which has taken up residence around my middle and think, “This can’t be happening.” The exhaustion I experience trying to keep up with my 14-year-old son while hiking in Moab, rather than swallowing my pride and asking my son to go slower or do a shorter hike. Or feeling less of an athlete because I can no longer run due to arthritis in my knees.
I have let these changes occasionally make me feel “less than.”
The reality is at 52 the person I am today is the accumulation of all my life experiences. The wear and tear, the mistakes, the lessons learned, the successes, and the adventures. I take good care of myself, but life has an impact on all of us and change is inevitable. Frantically holding on to an idealized version of myself is not living graciously or with acceptance. Nor is it even possible.
All I know is I want to embrace myself as I am and live fully in the present.
Embracing Acceptance
Acceptance is about being present. It is about acknowledging myself as I am, not longing for the person I used to be. Rather than wasting energy on the past, I would rather direct this energy to getting the most out of the present and investing in the future.
Making room for the future is exciting. So many possibilities exist. Two years ago, I wasn’t a writer, Holos didn’t exist, and I wasn’t spending my days immersed in something I am passionate about.
So, what gets in the way of acceptance in midlife? As I reflect on my own lack of acceptance of the person I am today, I see 2 main obstacles. The first, our society’s obsession with youth and second, the lack of a midlife rite of passage.
Youth Above All Else
Our society idolizes youth and youthfulness. We put undue value on strength, vitality, and endurance…the hallmarks of youth. We don’t revere experience and wisdom in the same way. And when it comes to beauty, we primarily see girls in their teens and 20s defining beauty for everyone. Which is ridiculous as beauty exists at every age.
Ironically, while I may mourn having good knees, shiny and lustrous hair, and desire less wrinkles, I don’t want to go back in time. I like being 52 and am proud of having made it this far. It seems disrespectful not to honor the person I am now in favor of longing for a person who no longer exists, except as a memory.
Most women I know feel this way and herein lies the opportunity to imbue midlife with its own power. We can make this happen.
Welcoming the Next Stage
I recently had an experience which allowed me to celebrate, feel gratitude for, mourn, and say goodbye to my younger self. Because of it I feel able to turn fully toward and embrace the future. It was profound and it made me realize we need a rite of passage for midlife.
We have rituals for the transition from childhood to adulthood. The Spanish have the quinceanera which celebrates a girl’s 15th birthday and her transition from girlhood to womanhood. The Bar and Bat Mitzvah ceremonies mark the transition to adulthood for young Jews. And in Japan they have the Seijin-no-Hi which is their coming-of-age festival every January for men and women turning 20.
All we have is menopause, but menopause is only the moment marking a year after your last period.
Where is our ritual for the passage into midlife?
This midlife rite of passage would be a time to pause. To reflect on the past, to celebrate making it to this point, and to welcome the next stage.
It would be an opportunity to express gratitude for all which has come before. To mourn the vitality of youth but know it has been replaced by the wisdom of experience. To decide which aspects of ourselves and our lives still serve us well and what pieces should be left behind. To celebrate our successes and contemplate the lessons learned from our mistakes. Once we have done this, then we can fully turn toward the future.
This rite of passage would serve as a reminder that at 40, 50, 60 and beyond we have the capacity for tremendous growth. To recognize we still have much to learn, new experiences to have, new friends to make, new careers to start, and new roles to play.
Rites of passage impart a sense of renewal and belonging. Wouldn’t this be a wonderful introduction into midlife for all of us?
Parting Thought
I am making acceptance my mantra. I am committed to loving what I see in the mirror and not comparing it to my 20-year-old self, to seeing my physical limitations as opportunities to explore new activities, to embracing lifelong learning and the unknown.
The rest of my life here I come!
See you next week…
