Kids Take Two

I have fallen in love with my kids all over again.

This past Christmas was my first experience of the proverbial birds returning to the nest. One came from Dallas, one from Boulder, and one from Boston. In their absence this past fall, I have realized my house does not feel complete when my boys are gone. Do not get me wrong, I love my newfound freedom and the break from day to day caretaking, but those kids have been the focus of my life for the last 21 years. When they are not around, something just feels a little off. I imagine this feeling will fade but for now it is something which continues to surprise me.

I also have been surprised by the sheer delight I feel when they are all back under one roof. And I do not think it is a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder. It is that they are all at such interesting stages in their lives. I have written previously about being fascinated by my older children, but this is a whole different ball game.

The interesting thing about parenting is that you do not know what being a parent of a 19 year-old is like when you have a 10 year-old. You only can know what you are experiencing and living…probably a good thing sometimes! And so your journey as a parent continually surprises you.

But I am here to tell you, having older kids is the best. You assume you already “know” your kids but there is SO much more to discover.

Cool Things About Older Kids

I know Geoff feels similarly and so I offered him the chance to chime in on this topic. His thoughts follow mine.

Karyn’s perspective

Until recently I thought of my social life as something separate from my kids. Yes, there were get togethers with other families and these constituted a lot of our social life at one point. But those gatherings were driven by a need for something to do with the kids and second as a way to see friends.

Now, I want my kids to be a more integrated part of our social life. Our friends like to talk to them, and they like to talk to our friends. We had a small cocktail party over the holidays in Tahoe and everyone brought their college-age kids. This added a whole new dimension to the evening which made it even better. I found myself seeking out my friends’ kids, rather than their parents.

You get to see your kids in their relationships with others. Each of my kids has a girlfriend right now and it is fun to catch glimpses of who they might be when they are married. And I find myself wondering how much influence our marriage has on how they are in these new relationships.

I am also fascinated to see the decisions they make as they begin to have real agency in their lives. Whether it is the courses they choose, what they prioritize in terms of housing options and roommates, how to spend their free time, or hobbies they decide to pursue. I get to see them beginning to construct their lives brick by brick. And if you are lucky, they still seek your advice and input, while at the same time making clear they have the final decision. This feels exactly how it should be.

Lastly, they become interested in you beyond your role as their parent. They start trying to figure out what makes you a person. What decisions you have made that have resulted in you being the person you are today. The conversations can range far and wide and stories get shared, on both sides, which take the other by surprise. And when they leave, Geoff and I find ourselves, like anthropologists studying a new culture, endlessly dissecting our interactions because they are new territory.

Geoff’s perspective

Wow, I never thought I would get a chance to write for Holos, even though I feel like an expert on what it is like to live with a woman going through mid-life. I now feel an immense sense of pressure to nail this, but luckily it is a topic I am passionate about.

There are three things I might build-on from above. First, what seems like all of a sudden, our boys have the ability to join us on (and even instigate) outings and adventures. Bike rides, hikes and other activities were always ways to get them outside and to burn off some excess energy so I could relax later.  But it is different now. Just last weekend, one of the boys asked me to hike in snowshoes the ridge behind our house. It was two hours in a blizzard with 50 mile an hour winds…it was great! And one that historically I would only have done with Karyn or our friends. Now I am planning to climb the Grand Teton with the boys in June. I find myself as excited as if I had a long weekend planned with a bunch of college buddies.

I also have been surprised by how quickly we have developed with the boys shared hobbies and desire similar experiences. Karyn and I started doing ice baths in the fall and before I knew it, two of the boys also were doing daily ice baths. While we had once prided ourselves in jumping in Lake Tahoe on New Years Day, now the boys want to go sit in the 42 degree lake regularly. And the best part? One of the boys has zero interest in freezing water and that’s cool.  Gone are the days of forcing everyone to do everything together.

And finally, our multiple text chains are absolutely precious. We have a family chat, Karyn and I individually have a chat with each boy, Karyn has one with each boy, and I have one with two of the boys. Each of these chats has its own personality and purpose. We share funny reflections and experiences, interesting things to read or watch, or personal musings. 

So where does this leave me? Karyn has been my best friend for 20+ years and no one can compete. What I did not see coming however, is that friend spots 2, 3 and 4 have just been overtaken and this rat-pack of boys means more to me than ever.

Parting Thought

My new infatuation with my kids is a paradox. I am equally as excited for this next stage in my life without my kids around day to day and yet I desire time with them more than ever. Life never ceases to amaze!

To be continued…