Do You Know Everything There Is To Know?
Saturday mornings, 7-10 am. Every Saturday for years.
One of the best investments my husband and I have made in our marriage was to have a sitter come on Saturday mornings to watch our kids. We then did something we enjoyed together, usually a bike ride, run, or swim followed by breakfast. This time together was sacred because we were not tired from our days and had the energy to focus on each other. Little did I know how these consistent small investments in “us” would pay off over the years.
As time goes on, I realize more and more how relationships require constant vigilance, attention, and investment. This was brought home to me a few weeks ago when I found myself alone in the car at 5:30 am on the way to Logan airport after dropping off my son at school. As my phone connected to the car it started playing Escape, otherwise known as the Piña Colada, song by Rupert Holmes.
In my half-asleep state I heard the lyrics as both a warning of the dangers for relationships in midlife, but also the keys to sustaining relationships over time. The song is about a couple who have been together for a long time and are bored with their relationship. The woman secretly puts an ad in the personal section of newspaper. Her partner ends up reading it and without knowing it is her, he is inspired to respond.
So what did I learn from this song…
I Never Knew
Do you know everything about your partner? Even after 20 plus years together.
The song begins, “I was tired of my lady / We had been together too long / Like a worn out recording / Of a favorite song.”
It then continues, “I didn’t think about my lady / I know that sounds kind of mean / But me and my old lady / Had fallen into the same old dull routine.”
In additional letters, they agree to meet at a bar so they can plan their escape. He sees her walk in and he laughs as, “It was my own lovely lady / And she said, “Aw it’s you.” / Then we laughed for a moment / And I said, “I never knew…”
And therein lies the heart of it. Can we ever really know everything about another person? Can staying focused, interested, and committed strengthen our relationship over time? And help us avoid having to put an ad in the personal column to get what we need?
Rather Than Escape
Matt Tillotson says in his blog,” Focus is critical to our ability to connect with others…” And in a world with so much distraction and coupled with the busyness of life in our 40s and 50s, it is no wonder our relationships can suffer.
So what can we do? What clues does Escape give us?
First, the song is a reminder to stay curious about life and each other. Embrace a growth mindset. Discard hobbies, interests, and activities which are no longer of interest and replace them with new ones. Invite your partner to share these with you. For example, over the last 3-5 years I have taken up cross country skiing and paddle boarding which Geoff and I now do together.
I have also embraced journaling, meditation and reading non-fiction, a genre which previously held little interest. Each of these new interests opens up new dimensions for exploration and discussion. You can find these opportunities if you pay attention, ask questions, and are an active listener.
Second, honest and regular communication is required for robust relationships. When we get lazy, stop communicating and make assumptions, it sows the seeds of discontent. And I get it, after being together for many years, it can be easy to take one another for granted. But if we want our partner to “get” us, we need to share our thoughts and feelings. If we do not it is unreasonable to expect someone to meet our needs or “get” us. Very few of us are mind readers!
Third, the song underscores the downside of letting your life be driven by old, tired, familiar routines. It is a reminder to take a look at your life and get rid of that which no longer serves you. Geoff and I were discussing this the other day as now that our kids are gone, the routines critical for a family of 5 to successfully navigate the day-to-day are no longer needed. Time exists now in a very different way and is ripe for new routines which prioritize our needs as individuals and as a couple. For example, it means rethinking how we come together in our post-work, evening routine or how we spend our time on the weekends.
And lastly, the small gestures matter. Maybe you no longer compliment each other by saying “You look great today,” or maybe you have gotten lazy with “please” and “thank you.” Or perhaps you no longer go out of your way to do the little things which say, “I love you and I am thinking of you.” These little actions are like fertilizer for love. My husband often leaves me little notes or funny drawings on top of my phone for me to find when I wake up. These make me smile and let me know he is thinking of me.
At the end of the day, to stay together requires growing together. And to grow together we must stay focused, invested, and curious. And this requires thought, some effort, and a lot of intentionality.
Why This is Important
An 85 year-long study by Harvard found that “Positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer.” And the key to positive relationships? Investing time and energy into them.
Parting Thought
A good relationship takes work and focus, forever. I plan to use this song as a reminder to put in the daily effort required to nurture my marriage over the coming years. And the reward? Many more years of love and adventure with Geoff.
To be continued…
