Libido, Lube And Mornings
Our relationship to sex and our sexuality changes over time. So why are we so hesitant to talk about this changing relationship? Why does talking about sex in middle age still seem taboo? What a change from being a teenager or in our 20s when that’s all we talked about. My theory is we equate sex with youthfulness, we place a high degree of value on youthfulness and we don’t want to say or do anything which implies we are not youthful!
In a survey of friends regarding topics to cover in Holos, one replied, “I feel saturated with information about meditation and know there is a lot to learn. But, people could learn more about sexuality and how it changes with age and time.” I couldn’t agree more!
Let’s start by talking about libido. In midlife, many women experience a decline in their desire for sex or a diminished interest in sex due to physical changes in their bodies. For some a lack of libido may mean freedom. You get to take all that time you used to spend thinking about sex or having sex and do other things! And yet others mourn this loss of libido or are frustrated by the physical changes and seek solutions.
Let’s Talk Libido
The Oxford Languages defines libido as sexual desire. I can trace the decline in my libido to about age 45. This is decline is not uncommon for women in perimenopause and menopause and although we all joke about it, it is not funny in the slightest! Two of the main culprits responsible for this loss of libido are stress and hormone changes, specifically estrogen levels. We are all familiar with what causes stress, so I want to focus on the role of our hormones.
As we journey through perimenopause our levels of estrogen decline. Low estrogen can make it harder to get aroused and make the act of sex less enjoyable. There is also speculation the more severe your menopause symptoms are, like hot flashes, fatigue and mood swings, the more impact there can be on your libido…huge bummer, right? Not sure if you have low estrogen? It is easy to have your hormone levels checked by your doctor. I have mine checked a couple of times a year. Proactively managing my hormones has helped me minimize many perimenopause symptoms.
So, what does this lower level of estrogen mean day-to-day? Well, according to Medical News Today,
“the vagina and labia…become thinner. If this happens, they become less sensitive to sexual stimulation. Decreased blood flow also affects vaginal lubrication and overall arousal. As a result, a woman may not enjoy sex as much and may have difficulty achieving orgasm. Sex may be uncomfortable or even painful.”
The good news? You are not imagining these things!
Lube To The Rescue!
I was in the camp of mourning my loss of libido. And while I don’t have all the answers, I do have a few suggestions for things to try that might roll back the clock a few years. The first, subscribe to the Sex with Emily podcast. The host is a lovely, no nonsense expert on sex. Listening to Emily opened my eyes to the wonders of lube and sex toys. In addition to learning more about lube you will learn new techniques and tips to enhance your sex life.
OK, why was I so late to learn about lube? My entire experience with lube up until a Sex with Emily episode, was as a nickname. Growing up my initials were KY and in college a few friends called me KY Jelly (remember that stuff - it is definitely not sexy!). I always thought lube existed for your yearly pap smear or your grandparents (and I couldn’t bring myself to think about my grandparents having sex).
Lube is menopause’s secret sex weapon. Whether you use it to banish vaginal dryness, enhance the use of a sex toy or find other creative uses with your partner, it is a game changer. Once you try it, you will never go back. My favorite brand is Pjur, which is a water based lubricant and suitable for sensitive skin. To learn even more, check out Sex with Emily’s recent episode, Lube it or Leave it .
Did Someone Say Toys?
To address declining sensitivity issues, my advice is go shopping and get yourself a vibrator. Many have different levels of vibration which can make a big difference in your ability to feel aroused. You will be amazed at the different varieties and you can get ones specifically for use with your partner or ones intended for solo pleasure.
To make the shopping trip a bit easier, here are a couple of resources I’ve used in the past. Packaging is discreet with all of them, so you don’t have to worry your postman will have any idea. Check out this article from Goop, or try this one from Sex with Emily where she suggests 5 different options for use with your partner, and there is always the old standby, Good Vibrations.
Rise and Shine
It turns out our biological rhythms impact our libido as well. According to Dr. Breus, a board certified sleep specialist, the morning for most people is a great time for sex. This is when men’s and women’s testosterone levels are at their highest. Be sure to check out his book, The Power of When: Discover Your Chronotype, for more fascinating insights on the best times to do everything from asking for a raise to exercise. So, tomorrow morning, set your alarm a little earlier and surprise your partner. Because honestly, who has the energy or interest at the end of the day? All I want to do is climb into bed and read my book!
Parting Thought
Tell your partner what is happening to your body. It’s not enough for you to understand the changes you are experiencing. I know it is disheartening not to have the same sex drive as you did in your 20s and 30s (I only hope I had the right level of appreciation back then) and it can definitely play games with your head. But if your partner also understands what is happening, it’s one less stress in your life and on your relationship.
Have fun!
See you next week…
