Hello College, Goodbye Mom
Loss. The feeling evoked by the death or absence of a loved one, an opportunity forgone, or the absence of something which no longer exists.
A topic currently at the forefront of my mind as I’m about to lose my first-born son to adulthood. And I know I am not alone as I was recently catching up with a friend and our whole conversation was about our oldest sons. The ones headed off to college in a few short weeks. The ones about to leave childhood behind for good. And whose departure marks a new stage in our lives as mothers and parents.
I know many of you are also facing this bittersweet moment and so I’m dedicating this issue to you.
Leaving the Nest
Speaking through a few tears my friend said to me, “I wish I could have a little more time with him. I know it is time for him to go, but now that we are here, I realize it has gone so fast.” As she uttered those words I, too, choked up, my eyes welled with tears, and I felt an ache in my heart.
As someone who did not love the baby stage, I was surprised to find myself the other day staring intently at a 6-month-old baby boy. I found myself wishing I could have one more day with my son at that age. To be able to pick him up and hold him in my arms. To nestle my face in his neck and breathe his sweet, warm baby scent. To see him look at me as if I am the center of his universe (and to know I am). To be able to make him laugh with nothing more than a funny face. To know that we have years and years together ahead of us.
He is, as he should be, on a one-way path to adulthood. He is charging ahead at full speed and confidently embracing the future. I would not want him any other way. I am proud of him and the man he is becoming. But I do wish I could freeze time and savor him as mine for a little bit longer before sharing him with the rest of the world.
The moment your child is born you enter an alternate universe. One which is hard to imagine, no matter how hard you try. And whether you are a stay-at-home mom, a mom who works full-time or somewhere in between, we all hold the same title, mom.
We earn this title through sleepless nights, navigating new challenges, celebrating many firsts, and wiping the occasional tear. We feel their hurts and celebrate their successes as if they were our own. And in return we are rewarded with profound love and a unique bond. So, when it comes time for them to leave it feels like losing a part of our physical self.
Our only job is to love them, care for them, and prepare them to be adults. But when the moment arrives, when they step over the threshold and take up the mantle of adulthood, we panic. No matter how successful we have been in our role, we cannot help asking, “Wait, are they truly ready?” And we cannot stop from thinking, “Have I done everything I can to prepare them?”
What Comes Next?
That he is headed to college is another sign midlife is upon me. Not only am I losing my son to adulthood, but I am saying goodbye to my younger self. I was 33 when he was born and now, somehow, I am 51. The time flew by, consumed with day-to-day parenting and work.
And while I feel some sadness about the ending of this chapter, all endings bring new beginnings and opportunities. One of the blessings of midlife is the opportunity to pause and reflect on both the past and the future. And I can learn from my son and walk boldly into the future and embrace it with open arms.
As I begin to transition away from day-to-day parenting, I’m excited to have time to explore new interests. I look forward to having more time for my husband and friends. And I look forward to more time for myself…to not be spread so thin! And I’m curious to see what is around the next corner.
I also have new questions to answer like, “What does it mean to be a mom for an 18-year-old boy in college?” I honestly do not know. However, I know it will become clearer over time, as it did in the years after I brought him home from the hospital 18 years ago.
What I do know is I have a front row seat to the rest of his life. I still get to celebrate his successes and to offer words of encouragement through the hard times. Occasionally, I might even get to offer some advice and perspective. And I will always be there for a hug, a word of encouragement and to tell him I love him.
And as I walk by his room each day, I will not let myself be sad by the subtle reminder of his absence. After 18 years of living under the same roof he will never, all things being equal, live at home again. However, I have no intention of changing anything in his room right now. I know for the next few years it will only be occupied a handful of weeks and then not even that much. But I still have 4 more years of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and summer vacations.
Parting Thought
My son has half-jokingly told me I am not allowed to cry when I drop him at college. Given I cried when I dropped him off at summer camp for the first time and then again at boarding school, the odds are not good. But I will do my best to hold it together until I am back in the car or in my hotel room. And I am staying an extra night. I know I probably will not see him again after I drop him off, but I want to be nearby, in case he needs me…isn’t that what mom’s do?
See you next week…
