Fulfillment First
Before I turn to today’s post, I want to share a few reasons why you have not heard from me as much lately.
First, I try to write only when I feel I have something meaningful to share. I started Holos as a way to process my journey through midlife and to share some of my thoughts with others on a similar journey. However, we live in a time of content overload, and I do not want to clutter up your inbox by posting just to post.
And second, as I journey through midlife, I have come to the realization that midlife is not something to be solved but rather something to be experienced. It has its ups and downs and plateaus. And there are times for reflection and times for action. And I have been in more of an action or “doing” phase these past 3-4 months.
And now to today’s topic, fulfillment.
Beyond Redefining Success
For anyone who has been with me for a while, you know I have been working to redefine success for myself so I can live the life I want, not that which others decide is worthy. This has been easier in some aspects of my life than others, and the role of “work” continues to be a challenge.
For many, many years work played an outsized role in how I defined success in my life. I knew somewhere in my mid to late 40s that this was too narrow of a way to think about one’s life. But changing my mindset on this topic has proven to be harder than I would have anticipated.
I have tried to figure out why…perhaps it is because I am part of the first generation of women who were told they can have it all. This was exciting but also a lot of pressure and forget about whether or not it is true or achievable. Or maybe it is because I really enjoy working or maybe it is because I am a sucker for external validation and work lends itself to this type of recognition. At the end of the day I do not really know, I just know I need to think about it differently.
And by the time I reached 50, I felt a deep urgency to make some changes as my life had become almost one dimensional. There was work, then husband and kids, and a little time left for me which I mainly used to work out. There was no time for spirituality, hobbies, or deep connection with others. I knew this was not healthy nor sustainable and I have spent the last 5 years trying to bring more equilibrium to my life. But the issue of success still torments me…despite having a life I love; yes, a little crazy that being successful is equated to work in my psyche! This is not to say I have not made some progress in shifting my mindset, but I am still amazed how this demon can rear its head in my life.
Focus on Fulfillment Instead
Then recently I had a moment of clarity. Rather than ask myself, “What would make me feel successful?” What if I asked myself instead, “What would a fulfilled Karyn look like?” So I found a couple of hours when no one else was around, turned on my Baroque playlist (the BEST music for working), and put pen to paper.
My list:
Time with my husband and kids
Times with friends
Time outside
Time to read
Time to exercise and stretch
Time for myself: to be alone, to focus on my health & spirituality, to pursue hobbies
Challenging myself to try new things and keep learning
Engagement with some type of work (community, traditional, other)
Purpose through fulfillment
My gut said that if I could define a fulfilled life for myself and spend my time, energy, and money working toward this list, I would also find success and purpose along the way.
When I finished my list I said to myself, “I think it is as simple as that.” Achieving a fulfilled life will of course take time and effort, but having defined it gives me a plan. And I love having a plan! It will help me determine how I spend my time and with whom I spend my time and will help with decision making. One of the most interesting parts of this exercise was to see that “work” was only a small piece of the whole puzzle. And that piece was not defined by a big title, or making a ton of money, or pursuing work in only a traditional manner. There was flexibility and freedom within that bullet point to define it in many different ways. What a relief!
Parting Thought
Perhaps you are 10 steps ahead of me and have already figured this out. Or maybe it is like many things in life, and you have to hear the same point said in many different ways until one finally clicks. Maybe this will be that one for you.
To be continued…
