Finding More Joy
A few years ago, while talking with a friend, we both realized we wanted more joy in our lives. Somehow along the way, we had lost the ability to feel this emotion as much as we desired. This was sobering and made me quite sad. At the time I attributed it to burnout from work. And so, when I left the museum 3 years ago, I assumed that my capacity for joy would return as my burnout faded.
The good news, for the most part this is exactly what happened. The bad news, I still wasn’t feeling it in certain cases, like around the holidays. Last year, perplexed by this lingering absence of joy, I thought, “Maybe it is because of the effort associated with hosting Christmas every year.” And so, I decided to take a break from hosting.
But as the holidays rolled around this year, I realized this wasn’t the reason as I still wasn’t feeling the joy I remembered from long ago. I also decided enough was enough. I was going to figure it out and once again find joy in the holidays!
After a lot of thinking on the subject and a conversation with a very wise friend, I have a few thoughts I want to share in case they are helpful. If you are looking for a little more joy in your holidays, or life in general, perhaps these will resonate with you.
Defining Joy
In order to find something, it is helpful to be able to describe what you are looking for, so you know it when you see it.
My favorite definition of joy comes from Dr. Pamela King: “Joy…is deeper than the emotion of happiness. Joy is more complex than a feeling or an emotion. It is something one can practice, cultivate, or make a habit. Joy is most fully understood as a virtue that involves our thoughts, feelings, and actions in response to what matters most in our lives. Joy is an enduring, deep delight in what holds the most significance.”
But if you prefer a more standard dictionary definition, Webster’s dictionary describes it as the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires. And Dictionary.com as the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.
How to Cultivate Joy
I have reached 3 conclusions about joy which I am using to build more capacity for joy in every aspect of my life.
One, finding joy is about creating spaciousness within yourself which in turn creates the capacity to recognize and feel joy. It means not filling every moment of every day. It means being mindful when making commitments and not feeling bad about saying no. It is about caring for yourself first, so you have the capacity to care for others. Nothing crowds out joy like feelings of resentment from too many obligations or from having too many “I should” obligations in your life. I like to visualize the area around my heart expanding, to create this spaciousness.
Most days I start my morning with a 20 minute walk. I am working to shift my mindset from this being something I should do because it is good for me, to one where I see these 20 minutes as a way to experience more joy. I love to be outside; I love to move my body; I love the feeling of being more present. All of these things bring me joy.
Two, joy comes from the heart, not the mind. It is about listening to the quiet voice of your heart, not the loud, demanding task master of your brain. Joy is not an intellectual exercise but rather an exercise in noticing and feeling what delights your soul.
This is a hard one for me. I am definitely ruled by my brain, my to-do lists, accomplishing things, and feeling busy. So, as hokey as it might sound, I am trying to ask myself each morning, “What do I “feel” like I need?” In asking myself this question and listening to my heart, I am prioritizing and nourishing my soul. And, in so doing, as Dr. King says above, it is helping me prioritize what matters most in my life.
And three, finding joy does not mean working harder. In fact, it is the opposite. It is about relaxing and slowing down to see all the opportunities for joy which already exist in your day-to-day. It is about finding purpose in the small things as well as the big things.
For example, I love a beautifully wrapped gift. And having spent my Christmas vacations in college working in the gift wrapping department of a department store, I am a pretty good gift wrapper! So, this year, rather than seeing wrapping as just another item on my to-do list, I am viewing it as time spent creating something beautiful and a way of saying I love you to my husband and children. I am not rushing through it. Instead, I am giving it my full attention and trying to be more present in the task.
Parting Thought
I have this belief that finding joy in life is critical not only for happiness but for longevity. I hope these reflections might help you find a little more joy in your own life and to enjoy the holidays just a bit more.
To be continued…
