Fanning The Flames Of Romance

Thanks for all the great feedback on last week’s issue, which was part 1 of my interview with Starielle Hope.

In this continuation of my interview with Starielle Hope, a Relationship & Intimacy Coach, we discuss conflict and its impact on a couple’s intimacy, romance, & sex life, as well as how to protect & nurture your romantic life and key components for healthy relationships.

As we all know real life can play havoc on our relationship with our significant other if we don’t pay attention. Being intentional about the time we devote to these relationships, working through conflicts as they arise, and being clear about what we want are all important for ensuring the relationship thrives. 

Enjoy!

Karyn: Let’s jump in! How does conflict impact intimacy and sex?

Starielle: Besides the obvious issues with fighting and conflict, it can have a negative impact on sexual energy. Sexual chemistry is a flow of energy between two people and when there is conflict or tension, it limits the flow of this energy.

When people are tense this tension blocks the flow of their sexual energy, their vitality, and their life force energy. This ultimately has a negative impact on intimacy and a couple’s sex life, which ironically can then lead to more tension.

Esther Perel has identified 3 main themes people fight over: power/control, respect/recognition, and connection/closeness. Conflict over one of these can show up in different ways. It might look like one or both partners lashing out to try to gain control or more power or it might manifest as feeling angry or upset because they feel disrespected or unappreciated. It can also show up as pulling away from or grasping for the other person to try and feel more connection and/or to protect from a fear of disconnection.

Karyn: What do you believe most women want out of a relationship to feel satisfied in terms of love and desire? 

Starielle: From what I have seen, most women want to feel seen, even though this may also feel a little scary. When I say “being seen” I mean being noticed and recognized. Ultimately feeling seen by your partner feels good.

This could look like telling a woman she is beautiful or telling her you love the way she takes care of the people you care about. The more specific the compliment the better. For example, telling a woman you’ve noticed a new dress or new hair style and that she looks great is a wonderful start.

It is even better to tell her you’ve noticed something about her soul, the way she loves, the way she shows up to create what is most meaningful to her in the world. You want to show her you’ve noticed something about her that no one else would notice.

In terms of desire, I believe in the idea of core erotic themes, written about more extensively in The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin. Every human on the planet has a core erotic theme, which is the feeling that turns someone on the most This could be feeling powerful, powerless (fully surrendered), desired, adored, novelty or many others. The key is that it comes down to the feeling rather than the specific situation or circumstances.

I run workshops with my female clients to find out what turns them on the most. And for a very high percentage of women, a key part of their ultimate fantasy is being taken or being wanted in a primal way by their mate. I think there is a biological element of being wanted. Of being the target of a man’s attention and focus and responding to this attention. 

Karyn: Do you have any suggestions for maintaining and/or reigniting connection and passion in a long-term romantic relationship?

Starielle: I believe keeping a relationship alive is a 2-step process. 

Step 1

The first step is clearing away anything in the way of your sexual connection with your partner. What are the things which have been left unsaid? What are the things you haven't felt safe to be honest about, where haven't you been speaking your truth? 

I highly recommend couples work with a coach if tension has been building up for a long time. This can be helpful as the process can be challenging. There might be a reason why you haven't been sharing these things with each other. 

I also recommend coaching for anyone who is interested in this process, regardless of the length of your relationship. Tell your partner you want to have more open, honest, and potentially uncomfortable conversations about your relationship. And tell them you'd like a facilitator to help make the conversations as constructive as possible.

This is an investment in your relationship because you want your relationship to thrive and survive.  As such, this should be viewed as a positive by your partner. A great facilitator will be able to help both you and your partner see dynamics you were not previously aware of which is often crucial to a couple’s ability to thrive together.

Clearing any underlying tension through constructive conversation is going to require growth and openness from both people. Ultimately this is always healthy for a couple, whether it brings them closer or pushes them apart.

If it ends up pushing them apart, it is often for the best. I haven’t seen people thrive in a situation where they are hiding from the truth. There might still be reasons to stay together, for kids for example, but it is not going to help bring you together as a romantic couple or reignite your sex life. 

There is a relationship coach I admire who says, “You have to be willing to risk the relationship to have it.” When people are afraid of risking the relationship, the relationship becomes smaller because they're afraid of not being accepted by the other person. The safe territory becomes smaller and smaller, and the people often become smaller and smaller in their expressions. 

I will also say that if two people are truly unhappy and have been unhappy for a long time, they may no longer be a match. It might not be possible to reinvigorate the sexual energy between them if there are fundamental differences between the two partners. 

Step 2

Once you have cleared away any tension, you can begin adding things to your relationship. 

First, add a regular date night. This is consistently the number 1 action reported by people in successful, long-term relationships with healthy sex lives. Prioritize setting aside time as a couple. This could be once a week, every two weeks, or a weekend once a month. Make the time intentionally sexy. 

Intentionally is a key part of this.  Together discuss and plan what would make the date sexy, intimate, and exciting. What would create the right reactions and emotions. Is it candles, getting dressed up, or going to a hotel?  The key is to not just jam it in between picking up the kids and making dinner.  Dedicate the time and attention your relationship deserves.

Getting out of your day-to-day life and its stresses can be helpful. Stress and sex do not go together. This makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint if you think about it. If you are in a stressful situation fighting for your life, you are not thinking about procreating. You are thinking about survival! 

Because stress and sex are not compatible, it is important to have a transition of some sort between your day-to-day and your date night or date weekend. This will help you get in a different state of mind. This could be getting a massage, going for a run, working out, walking around the block, putting on a favorite song and dancing, or taking a shower and envisioning the water washing away the stress of the day.

Another way to enhance sex with your partner is to focus on the physical sensations in your body. If your mind is running it will be very hard to be in the right state of mind sexually. If you are thinking, “Did I remember to text the nanny to pick up the kids?” Or, for the man, wondering, “Is she into this?” “Is she still attracted to me?” These types of thoughts will pop you right out of the sexual experience.

If you notice yourself getting distracted, gently come back to, “What am I feeling in my body right now?” For example, you might think, “I feel my body lying on the bed.” Or “I feel my partner’s hand stroking my stomach.” This will dramatically increase your presence during sex as it is impossible to be “in your head” while you are fully focused on the physical sensations in your body. But it does take patience and practice to gently bring your mind back, when it begins to wander, to the physical sensations in your body.

Karyn: What else is important for a strong relationship?

Starielle: In a relationship you need space for being together as well as space for each person to be independent. Sometimes in a relationship you will find one partner who is afraid of not always being “together” or the opposite, where one is afraid of “losing” themselves in the relationship. 

If the couple only focused on being together, they might lose sight of the hobbies and activities which they originally brought to the relationship. The elements which made each person whole. While this might feel good at the beginning it is not sustainable.

Over time one person will often begin to feel that the other is no longer the person with which they fell in love. They might even think, “I’m not the same person either because I am no longer doing other things I enjoy.” This can put a lot of stress on the relationship and cause it to falter.  

On the flip side, if there is a fear of intimacy and both people are consistently going outside of the relationship to have their emotional needs met, it can feel like being roommates or living parallel lives, not a romantic partnership.

The healthiest balance for most people is somewhere in the middle.

Parting Thought

Deep, connected relationships are important for a meaningful life. To have this type of relationship requires intention and putting in the work to nurture the relationship. My conversation with Starielle was the gentle reminder I needed to prioritize my relationship with my husband to ensure it thrives at the highest level possible for at least another 20 years.

See you next week…