Deeper Intimacy, Better Sex? Yes!

My husband and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this past September. I imagine many of you are nearing the 20 - year mark or more with your spouse or partner as well. And let’s be honest, after 20 plus years the initial spark and romance are gone, replaced by the routine and familiarity of a life built together. 

Instead of suggestive emails and phone calls our conversations are now about the busyness or stresses of our lives. “Did you pick up the kids from lacrosse?” “Did you remember to call the guy about the leak in the roof?” “Did you pick up my prescription?” Or “Crap, I have a huge presentation tomorrow and am only halfway through the deck.” 

The consequence of all this busyness and stress? Becoming disconnected from ourselves. What we feel, think, and want. Who has time to think about those things? Unfortunately, when we are disconnected from ourselves it is difficult to meaningfully connect with others, particularly our spouse or significant other. How do we reclaim the intimacy and romance of those early years? 

While it might not be easy, I believe it is possible and important. And a subject worthy of a professional’s perspective on what it takes to nourish and maintain a healthy relationship, intimacy, connection, and a rich sex life in midlife. 

Below I share my conversation with Starielle Hope, a Sex and Relationship Coach who specializes in working with couples as well as with single men to help them develop an advanced Sexual Intelligence. Her expertise is in getting to the root of repeating patterns to clear anything which might be blocking her clients from having the relationship and sex life they desire, as well as empowering them with powerful skills for deeper intimacy and better sex. 

I hope you find a few nuggets to help you experience deeper connection with your partner. This article is part 1 of a 2 part conversation. The second half will be published next week.

Karyn: What is relationship and intimacy coaching? 

Starielle: Historically therapy/couples coaching was thought of as something you do when there is a problem, like going to a surgeon for surgery. I think of it as being more like a personal trainer. I am here to help people optimize their love life. 

We spend thousands of hours in school developing our minds and our intellect and figuring out our careers. We also know that if we want good physical health, then we need to be mindful of how we care for our bodies daily, whether we choose to or not is a different story. 

But our thinking about what it takes to have a meaningful relationship hasn’t really evolved. Most people still think, “I just need to find the right person, and everything will be great. I’m going to feel love, it will be easy, and we will live happily ever after.” It makes sense that many people feel this way since we grow up being told these fairy tale stories over and over. Unfortunately, this is not at all what we need to set ourselves up for success in relationships.

Karyn: What do good relationships require?

Starille: Good relationships require intentionality and work. You must devote time and energy to it. The problem is most people believe good relationships don’t require work, that they function on autopilot, and are only supposed to work one way. 

A significant part of the purpose of romantic relationships is to challenge us to be a higher version of ourselves. Human beings have a unique ability to attract people into our lives who will help us in the ways we most need to grow to become happier and healthier versions of ourselves. However, this often looks like conflict because each partner has a different perspective. People often think because there is a conflict, there is a problem.

But the purpose of the relationship is to work through these conflicts, to find a point of agreement in the middle. Often in relationships, people hold opposite perspectives. For example, one person wants to stay at home and one person wants to go out and be more social.

Often the ideal point for both is somewhere in the middle. If they can hear each other’s perspective and have an open dialogue, they can both move to the center and ultimately be happier. But instead, people think, “Oh, we want different things. Something’s wrong. There is a problem because I’m not experiencing my happily ever after. My relationship is broken and not working.”

But if conflict is being discussed productively then the relationship is working perfectly! Relationships where the couples work through conflict and grow are those which can nurture intimacy and romance.

According to John Gottman, who is one of the foremost experts on relationships and marriage in recent history, the number one indicator of whether a relationship will last is how well the couple can work through and resolve a conflict. A healthy relationship isn’t about not having conflicts, it’s about being able to work through them effectively and without any unnecessary emotional damage. This is one of the main areas I focus on in my work with couples.

Karyn: What does it look like to train yourself to be “good” at relationships?

Starielle: Training yourself emotionally is critical for good relationships. A central piece to this is developing self-awareness. We always hear how good communication is important for relationships. But we can only communicate what we are aware of and so the more we are aware of, the more effectively we can communicate. 

If I don’t know why I am feeling a certain way I can’t effectively communicate what I am feeling. This is quite common because as a society we shame people’s emotions. A lot of people, particularly men, were encouraged to shut down their emotions and their awareness of their emotions as they were growing up. They never learned how to identify and communicate how or what they are feeling. 

So, one of the first building blocks of “being good” at relationships is to develop self-awareness about your own feelings and emotions. 

Karyn: How can someone develop greater self-awareness?

Starielle: The best technique I have found for developing more self-awareness is recognizing emotions as physical sensations in the body. I call this speaking the language of the physical body. A powerful way for developing awareness of these physical sensations is by practicing a five minute Body Scan Meditation daily.

To do a Body Scan Meditation you will sit or lie down with your eyes closed, taking deep breaths all the way down into your low belly. You will then begin at the top of your head and slowly scan down your entire body observing any physical sensations as you go. Physical sensations could be heat, coldness, tension, a feeling of expansion, relaxation, a sharp prickling like pins and needles, a feeling of butterflies in your stomach or plenty of other sensations.

Physical sensations are not emotions. Instead of saying “I feel sad” or “I feel angry” ask yourself, what does it feel like in your body when you feel sad or angry? By observing the physical sensations in your body, you have access to new information, such as noticing your body feels tense so you can slow down before you snap at your partner.

Knowing how you feel is important because your mind can tell you all sorts of stories. Imagine you walk in and see the sink full of dirty dishes. Your mind can tell you it isn't a big deal. You don't care there were dishes left in the sink for the third day in a row. But you feel a heaviness in the pit of your stomach. 

And then you go talk to your partner and they ask you about something unrelated and you lash out with anger. Your response isn’t about what your partner just asked you. It is coming from the feeling in your stomach you had about the dirty dishes but tried to dismiss. 

Your partner has no idea what has happened and responds by asking what is wrong. You might say, “nothing,” but your partner is picking up on the physical tension underlying your words. This is a great moment to pause or slow down and pay attention to the physical sensations in your body. 

When you trace back the feeling to its root cause you will have more clarity. You may realize, “Oh wow, I'm really upset about those dishes in the sink.” “Why am I upset about these dishes in the sink?” Once you have a sense of what you are really feeling then you can have a more open and honest conversation with your partner. 

If I could give people one takeaway to improve all relationships in their lives, I would say, “Pay attention when there is tension. Slow down and focus on the tension. It will generally tell you why it is there if you give it an opportunity.” 

Karyn: What happens if you don’t deal with the accumulated tension?

Starielle: The long-term impact of tension which has not been resolved is resentment. And resentment is the number one killer of relationships. 

From my experience, when couples fight it is often not about the situation immediately at hand. In the example above it is probably not about the dishes. The root cause may be buried under multiple layers which ultimately manifested itself about the dirty dishes. 

When a couple is snapping or being short with each other, it is the result of tension which has built up and needs an outlet. Clear and transparent communication is needed to prevent this tension from accumulating in the first place. Therefore, the more you understand about yourself and your own experience and why you're reacting to something a certain way, the more transparent and honest you can be with your partner. And the greater chance you have of resolving a conflict. 

Ultimately, I see couples who have not resolved underlying tension get stuck in loops where they have similar fights again and again. Resolving tension can create a new loop where more awareness leads to better communication which leads to less tension which leads to deeper connection and ultimately more intimacy and romance.  

Parting Thought

As I reflect on this conversation, I have set a renewed intention to focus on clear and transparent communication with my husband. I now see how important it is for nurturing and maintaining our relationship over the next 20 years!

Next week Starielle and I discuss why conflict kills intimacy and sex, what women want in relationships, and how to maintain or reignite intimacy in an existing relationship. You can connect with Starielle at https://www.stariellehope.com/ or @stariellehope (her Instagram is fantastic).

See you next week…